Red Badge of Courage

We were sitting one evening watching the '89 classic Glory - about the Civil War. Denzel and Morgan give a one-two punch performance bringing to life history shaping events from a hundred-fifty years ago. As the battle scenes intensified, I remarked to my wife, "Why do they stand in a line like that? That doesn't seem like a smart strategy." To which she replied, "Yeah, it's like they're just waiting to get shot." 


Maybe its our 21st century ignorance that blockaded us from knowing the real answers. We continued to banter back and forth about the foolishness of the battle strategies. My comments ranged mostly from how I would run in a zig-zag motion and out flank the enemy instead of just standing in a shooting line. Her comments were more like threats about how if I ever leave the baby and her behind to "run in zig-zags" in some war, she would be what I would have to fear the most. Not the enemy. 


Then our conversation got dangerous:
Wife - What war is this movie based off again?
Me - Seriously. 
Wife - I mean, I used to know, I think I just forgot.
Me - We're three-quarters the way through, and you have no contextual reference for which to understand what's going on? 
Wife - Just tell me.
Me - How do you ever appreciate good cinema? Maybe you should stick to the Bachelor.
Wife - Now.
Me - The Civil War. 
Wife - Ooooohhh yeeeaaah............So what war is The Patriot based off? 
(A long silence ensues. I'm scrambling for the most sarcastic line I can think of, but the speaking part of my brain is shocked from the last question)
Wife - Wait, that's a fictional war right?
Me - (When I can't believe what I hear, my eyes tend to close tight, then open real wide repetitiously - kind of like when you get ocean water in them). I...wha....how do.....pause the movie. Now think, who was the enemy in the Patriot?
Wife - the Redcoats. British?
Me - Who were we pulling for?
Wife - Mel Gibson......America.
Me - Now what war is it Britain against the U.S.?
(long silence)
Me - The Revolutionary War! You know, the war that gave our country independence?!
Wife - I thought the war for independence was against Aliens with Will Smith.


That last line was real. But she assured me she was kidding. I believe her, but my chest pain continues. 


This movie reminded me of a book I had to read during the summer back in High School. Bypassing the short cut provided by Cliffs Notes, I read The Red Badge of Courage. War stories have a gravitating effect - they're stories about experiences I've never had. 


Despite the book taking place during the Civil War, the real conflict in RBoC was about an inner war between the character and himself. That was the hook that snagged my interest. In the story, the main character is a private fighting in the Union Army. During a battle, he flees the field in fear of losing his life. He becomes ashamed of running away and wants a battle wound - a red badge of courage - to counteract his cowardice. The book is about his struggle to earn a badge. 


I respect the character's desire for a wound. The wound is a mark of bravery. It's a visual reminder that he paid a high price for the side he took. It's something he can show off to his family and friends. It would be hard earned, but a permanent fixture on his body and in his memory.  


And because of that, I want a red badge of courage too. Something with a story. A visual reminder.  Something I can point to that shows I paid a price. 


But I have no battle wound. Maybe a few scars from sports and mistakes from work. But no real red badge of courage. 


Instead, the past three weeks have left me with badges of a different kind:


Regurgitated formula stains on 2 pairs of my jeans. 
Stinging, red eyes from reduced sleep due to worrying. 
Sore trapezius muscles from clinching my shoulders to my ears while carrying the baby.
Yellow pee stains on my white t-shirt from the crazy spray of diaper changes. 


They're no musket ball wound; nor are they signs of bravery on a battlefield. But they're indications of sacrifice. My wife and I both share these signs. It's not fair to compare a war injury to the fatigue of raising a child. But there is a light correlation. And I'm happy to share with you those badges of courage anytime.