The List Means We're Ready

While it's a balmy 15° outside and both of our cars are experiencing issues, we're in the final stages of preparation for our second son.

Know how you can tell we're in the final prep mode? It has nothing to do with anything being dilated, or a percentage of something being effaced. Those are indications doctors look at. After 10 years, I can read the tells my spouse gives off as she is prepping for the finality of something.

The biggest indication that a second child is imminent: my wife has created a list.

How do I know when I really have to pack for vacation? She makes a list. How do I know when we're serious about moving? She makes a list. These lists are put in an old notebook she's had  since college. I know well enough that when the notebook comes out, so does change.

When I got home from work the other day and saw the notebook with a list in it, I knew we were preparing for a change. Nature melts the snow and blossoms the trees to show change; my wife organizes her ordered thoughts and writes a list. The best part of the list? The treat of hearing it read aloud like a children's story. Except it's no Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. She reads it like a general preparing his platoon (no idea if generals lead platoons) for a mission. 



I never listen to the list either. And she calls me on it every time. "You're not listening are you?" she says. And I search the recesses of my right brain to come up with a creative answer that makes it sound like I was. 

The list for the new baby is made. Step-by-step instructions for when I get the call that she's going into labor. All items that need to be brought to the hospital. Everything. The list means it's real now. There is going to be another member to this family sliding it's way into the relentlessly optimistic but often too jaded place we all call the world (you're welcome for the imagery - dull humor is how I cope with stress).

For 8 months I knew this was going to happen. And I've had only one problem when thinking about another son for the past 8 months. 

I'm no good with one son, so there's no way I'm going to be good with two.

Let me be specific and honest (two things I'd rather not be on a public writing platform): My wife and I share a staggered work schedule which leaves the both of us alone with him at different points throughout the week. When it's my turn to be on my own with him, I have to take on both the role of mom and dad. I wouldn't mind attempting the dual roles for a few hours here and there, but oftentimes I maintain that role for a very extended period. 

And here's where the problem emerges: I am terrible at the mother role. I understand that in an increasingly relative world, gender roles are losing value. But I think that there are some things that mothers are intrinsically better with, and some things fathers are intrinsically better with.

(Before I go on, I'd like to note one thing. In the case of an absent or unavailable mother or father, I believe that one parent can become or find the resources to fill the void role. Each day, the structure of the family becomes more ambiguous and difficult to define. Regardless of how a family is defined, a mother's and father's roles are infinitely important.)

My wife has admirable patience with our Kicker. They communicate in an intimate way that only they understand. They have a connection that only they share. When he cries, she somehow knows why. She sings to him. She is so cued in to his behavior patterns that she can predict what kind of day he will have. 

I don't share these gifts. 

I'm better at other stuff. And my inability to do what she can has left me with some long nights and days with our son. In response, I'm mentally in battle with my confidence to have another one right around the corner as the formation of the list has predicted. 

So when I texted a fellow dad about my concerns, he obliged with advice. He said that I can't expect to continue to handle the situations moms are better at by acting like a mom. In his words, "find your own way to do it. Because you can't do it her way." Which makes sense because I lack the qualities and hips that would make me a good mother.

While I'm still lacking the confidence I need to raise a sequel, I know now that I can't take on the mom roles by being a mom. I have to find my own ways to pacify, communicate, calm, and be patient. 

I can only be vulnerable and honest for so long. So it's done here. That took a lot out of me. Pardon me as I go Youtube a few UFC classics. 

Tough Mudder

Sitting around the apt the other day, I wanted to tell Wife some great news. Full of emotion and excitement, I broke this to her........


Me: Check this video out. I'm doing this in April!


We proceed to watch this clip......

Me: I'm so jacked, I can't wait.
Wife: Yeah, you're not doing that.
Me: What?!
Wife: You're gonna get yourself killed. I don't need our new baby with a dad that got shocked to death at the finish line of some stupid race. 
Me: It's only 10,000 volts. I'll be fine.
Wife: That might be the dumbest idea I've ever seen. What's wrong with just staying home?
Me: It's a way to prove I'm a warrior.
Wife: Then go for a jog through the woods or something. 


Should have seen this coming. Wife and I have been together for almost 9 years now (5 dating 4 married). In that amount of time, I should have known how to better approach her with this news. 


She asks a great question though, "What's wrong with just staying at home?" My response was slightly exaggerated - the part about being a warrior. But really, sometimes a guy just has to prove something to himself. Right? 

• Maybe a there is a broken blender in the house. Guy wants to take it apart and fix it, Girl wants to go get a new one from Target. (we got a new one from Target, I couldn't figure the stupid thing out).
• Where can we put our keys to keep them in one spot? Guy wants to build a keyring holder for the wall, Girl wants to buy one that matches the rest of the room. (We presently have a non-matching makeshift keyring holder built by yours truly). 
• Traveling to some relatives house that you haven't been to in a while? Guy swears he can find the place from memory, Girl wants to alleviate any threat of being lost by bringing a GPS just to be safe. (We've done both plenty of times, but when we do have the GPS, I pretend not to look at it)

Why the need to do unnecessary things when there are other - usually safer and less stressed - options? I don't know the answer. All I have are examples. Sometimes a guy's gotta face down a challenge. He has to prove his worth. Practicality is meaningless in these situations. It's a modern day showdown at high noon. 

I had to change my tire recently. This isn't very difficult. On this occasion though, it was dark and the lug nuts were rusted on tight. After a good half-hour and finally getting on the spare, I went upstairs victorious. My hands were dirty. Dirty hands are great. I love when my hands are dirty. It usually means I was doing some type of challenging work. 

It is October of 2011. A century ago, it took a lot of hard work and physical labor to maintain a home and look out for a family. Centuries before that it took even more work. Centuries before that, and so on. Today, the labor factor is greatly lifted due to technology, but the need to conquer a task is still there.  Maybe that's why the Tough Mudder is so appealing, because it gives us a chance to conquer something. 

So far, I've sort of been able to persuade Wife to let me go to the Tough Mudder (like I need her permission!). As long as I bring someone with me. I think her exact words were, "Someone who can keep you in control and make sure you don't do anything stupid." That sounds about right. 

Takers? Anyone? Teammates? 

What's That Even Mean?

The results are in! A few weeks ago, a list was released that brought wonderful news to the state of Ohio. The Combos Brand unveiled it's 3rd annual Manliest Cities in America review (http://www.americasmanliestcities.com/). Wouldn't you know it, Cinci, Columbus, and Cleveland all finished in the top 20. I could never quite articulate it, but I always felt my testosterone levels drop whenever I exited the borders of The Heart of it All. 

Cleveland showed the strongest ranking of Buckeye cities coming in at a solid number six. I won't lie, I feel a bit of pride knowing that I help masculinize the 6th most masculine city in America. What's most surprising is that Cleveland jumped up nine spots from last year's rankings. This can only mean one thing: the creators of the list remembered that I live in Cleveland and then factored that into this year's results. Hence the sudden spike in manliness for The Forest City. 

How did the Combos Brand come to the results of these rankings? Here are a few things (besides my masculine presence) that helped determine the manliness of a city:

• Sports - number of pro sports teams and other sports related qualities of a city (thank goodness they didn't count number of championships won after 1964).
• Manly Lifestyle - manly behaviors analyzed such as number of pickup trucks owned, fishing equipment, rodeos, home improvement, motorcycles, etc.
• Concentration of Manly retail stores - fishing/hunting shops, BBQ's, etc.
• Manly Occupations - firefighters, police, EMT, and construction job.

Manly Kryptonite points were also taken off of each cities total for the number of: home decor stores, cafe's/coffee shops, sushi restaurants, "modern" male apparel stores, and cupcake shops.

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As mentioned just below the title of this site, I'm not only dedicated to discussing fatherhood and husbandry, but also the responsibilities of being a man. Here is the biggest issue with discussing the responsibilities of being a man: What the heck is a "man" these days?

If the Combos Brand is right, does that mean a guy who picks up Starbucks before he goes to his job in fashion merchandising then meets his buddy for sushi later isn't manly? Do those things make him less of a man? 

I have to think about these questions. While much of this may not pertain to you the reader, understand that if I don't have answers to these questions, I lose credibility at my job. I may have a student who feels less manly because he's more prone to pick up a violin before a barbell. So I have to have a good understanding of manliness if I ever expect to communicate the role of a man to a younger generation (note: that sentence reads just as well by replacing the "I" with "we", give it a try and the responsibility becomes yours as well). 

The question of manhood becomes even more tangled with confusion when we factor in the themes of today's culture. When a female pop star dresses as an Italian teenager, and our male hip-hop artists wear Jeggings, we see a massive grey area in our feminine and masculine roles. Be whatever you want, do whatever you want. 

So what do we say to our violin toting male? Or our frappe drinking fashion merchandiser? More importantly, what do I tell Baby Whiz about being a man? Will his understanding of masculinity be based on his dad? Should men be whatever they want, or do whatever they want???????

I'll spare you the elevendy billion word expository on masculinity and let you know this: Men have a definitive role. In their families, relationships, work, and recreation. It's a heavy responsibility. But the responsibility doesn't center around leadership, or being strong, or making the decisions. It's based on love. So you can run and tell that...homeboy. 

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The guys of this world need advice. More important, my son is going to need advice. So let's come full circle and make...............................a list! List's are always right. 

This list will be advice to guys about being a guy:

• Be confident. Don't be afraid to be who you are.
• Always carry a pocket knife. People will make fun of you, but then they'll be the first ones to ask your help when their feet and hands are roped together by bank robbers - or if they just need help opening Christmas presents. Either one.
• Stand up for people who are getting picked on. 
• Always look out for your mother.
• When you find that special lady, love her more than yourself. 
• And listen to Van Zant when they say: "Don't get too high on the bottle, just a little sip every now and then. Fight your fights, find the grace in all the things that you can't change. And help somebody if you can. And get right with the Man." 

Would love to hear your opinions on which advice should be added to the list. What do you think the guys of this world should always know???

Gosh, all this masculine talk is exhausting. There's only one thing more stressful in this world than trying to raise a little boy:

Raising a little girl. Good luck to whoever has that responsibility on their hands. I know I couldn't do it. I may find myself starting to worry about "guns, weddings, and clothes and all the other stuff that goes along with raising a little girl". Sheesh. 

(http://cneading.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/a-pink-world/ read it, you won't be disappointed).