Some Explaining To Do

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The above picture was taken only days ago. It is of an envelope taped to our apartment door. On the envelope is written You have some explaining to do! That statement was written by Wife - made out to me. Ever get that feeling where all the blood rushes out of your head and is replaced by dread? That's what I felt upon reading this. This saga doesn't begin here though; it began a while back..........

A few weeks ago, Wife needed some money. Due to my lack of availability and the way we format our finances, I needed to take out $280 cash for a particular purchase she was making (no, not drugs...at least not while she's pregnant). I took out the cash and put it in an envelope until she needed it. A few days went by and turns out Wife didn't need it. I could now go back and deposit the money into my account. Since I'm under the impression that money sitting in an envelope ages like whiskey in an oak barrel, the money sat in that envelope - on our kitchen counter - for weeks - and weeks - and more weeks. 

Apparently 280 bucks doesn't age well in an envelope; and after over a month it was still just $280. During that time, Wife had to constantly prompt me to take the money back to the bank. Constantly. She got fed up of having the money sit around. We decided to make the deposit while we ran errands. Guess what? Bank's not open on Columbus Day (or Thanksgiving if you're from Canada). We accidentally left the money in her car that day, and she drove to work with the envelope full of money in it. Wife called and told me, "I don't feel comfortable having the money in my car, can you PLEASE deposit it tomorrow??"

No problem. 

Jump forward 2 days. As always, my thoughts in italics.

Wife: Did you get that cash deposited?

Me: No, you never gave me the envelope. 

Wife: I didn't? I'm pretty sure I left it right by your work bag for you to remember.

Me: Don't think so. I would've remembered taking it.

At this point, we head out to the library. Upon returning home we re-searched the car for the missing envelope of cash. No sign of it anywhere. We go upstairs and search our shelves, counters, bags, closets, pockets, everywhere. No sign of this evasive envelope full of money. We conclude that we must have accidentally thrown it out when we emptied the trash just a day before. 

Now it's on. Wife get's very uncomfortable with stuff like this. She worries, and over-thinks everything. She can't move on with her day until she has successfully closed all the doors of previous tasks. On the opposite side,  I under-react. I'm very passive and easygoing - to a fault - with matters like this. Almost as if $280 is some amount of cash I can expect to find in the pocket of an old jacket at any time. I'll be the first to admit it's not a good approach. 

I decide now would be the perfect time to apply some Rain-X to the windshields of our cars. Wife makes one last venture down to the car just to double check.......no luck. She went back upstairs. 

Cleaning cars is therapeutic. The result is a tangible accomplishment that may offset some type of stressor, such as losing money. It took a good 25 minutes to get those windshields perfect, and they repel rain quite well now. Back upstairs I go.

Proud as ever, I turned to walk in to our apartment only to find the door locked. And that's when I read the envelope hanging on the door from the beginning. 

(Remember this one from the beginning?)

My first thoughts are, "Hey! We found it! Yes!" Then I read the handwritten words: You have some explaining to do! Blood = gone from head and face.

Oh man! I thought. What kind of explaining will I have to do? She found it, she should be happy!

I turned the doorknob and found the door to be dead bolted shut. Unusual. She should know I was coming up here. After I unlocked that, I found that she had locked me out with the chain too! 

What's going on here?! 

Me: (with my lips and nose sticking through the 3-inch wide crack in the door way) Hey! What's the big idea?!

Wife: YOU tell me!

Me: How about you tell me! I'm the one locked out for no reason!

Wife: GUESS where I found the envelope of cash?

Me: How am I supposed to know, I'm in the parking lot cleaning the cars!

Wife unchains the door and lets me in. 

Me: Hey, we should be glad we got the money. What's wrong? 

Wife then enlightens me with one of the single greatest monologues in the history of our relationship..........

Wife: I FOUND IT IN YOUR BAG! You TOOK the envelope and put it IN. YOUR. BAG! YOU had me con-VINCED that it was MY pregnant brain (reference). It was never me! It's always YOU! And it feels good! I'm keeping the money with me, I'll go with you to the bank. I don't know how you do it EV-REE-TIME.

I'm floored. Here's the weird part: she wasn't angry. The best way to describe it is to compare the way she was talking to me the same way Dr. Leo Marvin spoke to Bob in "What About Bob" when he went crazy at the end. He's so frustrated that it's not anger, it's a helpless plea for someone to see the world from his perspective. That's what Wife sounded like. 

At this point, my body has been frozen for 25 straight seconds. I don't know how to begin to digest the words I just heard. My brain is still hung up on how she found it in my bag. I put it in there? I have absolutely NO recollection of this. Zero. Not even a fuzzy thought. Sometimes when you hear something that you forgot, you may remember it. Not this time. Nothing. I don't even have a feeling of doing this in my past. The problem is, it HAD to be me. I'm the only one who puts stuff in my bag.

Once I get past that, I'm immediately hung up on how relieved she was that it was my stupid mistake. She said "it feels good!" How stupid am I that she actually feels good that it wasn't her? Then she practically decides that she needs to hold my hand while we walk to the bank to make the deposit. And I don't even blame her.

No words back. She has made her statement. I have no rebuttal. Still can't move at this point. For some reason, my brain can process none of what was just said. 

Unbelievably enough, she goes on.........

Wife: This whole situation even made me have a contraction! Know what I did AFTER I had my stress contraction?? I took out the tub of Cool-Whip and spooned it! 

(she proceeds to take out a tub of Cool-Whip from the freezer and show me that a good 3/4 of that baby was gone. Like a werewolf just up and scooped the white fluffy goodness out with its claws and went to town. She then finishes...) THIS IS WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!

There is some explaining to do. It's 5 days after the money disappearance and I haven't the foggiest idea of how that envelope got into my bag.