To Quote Her...

It's not fair. I have the privilege of hearing the most absurd and off the wall comments come out of my pregnant wife's wacky mouth; but no one else gets to hear them. It's like being at a stand up comedy show by yourself - there is no one to laugh with or turn to and say, "That's so true right!" Just not as much fun. So when Wife comes up with a legendary pregnant-headed line or action, I have no one to enjoy the show with. 


I try to remember some of my favorite lines. 


The following quotes/conversations don't particularly have a place in any recent story. They just happened, and I thought it would be share-worthy. Wife says so many head-scratching things while she's pregnant....
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I Just Wanna Eat


It was around 3pm. We were cleaning up the kitchen after cooking a huge meal - odd time for a big meal. I was feeling good. I was so perfectly full that I forgot that there was a lot to complain about from the Browns game the day before. If I can forget that, I'm feeling good. My euphoria was abruptly distracted by this comment..........


Wife: (with flair and vigor) That was good!


          I don't care what time it is, I just be eatin'! 
          
          Was that dinner? 


          What was that?
          
          I just wanna eat, that's all I know!


What just happened? If I'm assessing this right, she just carried on a full conversation about her appetite, with herself. And it was full of punctuation and emotion. I thought I just cooked her an awesome meal? She's already talking about food again? There were many things I wanted to say, but I could only stand motionless and stare at the floor as if I was counting the tiles in my head. It's like daydreaming during math class, but then the teacher calls you up to the front to solve a problem on the board. You can only stare and hope for divine intervention. 


Editors Note: Just to be clear, Wife has been, and continues to maintain a beautiful figure during this pregnancy. 


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Spaghetti Sauce Dreams


I manage to do a decent job at regularly stressing Wife out. There are numerous dates I've missed, appointments I've forgotten, clothes I've left out, and Wii's I've broken while trying to fix them that she get's a good dose of stress. I remember a few weeks ago though; she was on a hot streak of consecutive days without much husband-induced-stress. Unfortunately, she decided to take matters into her own hands.....


Me: Hi Honey! I'm home form work on this beautiful afternoon. Let's go for a walk together because it's splendid outside - splendid just like you make me feel!
Wife: Do you wanna hear this dream I had during my nap this afternoon?
Me: C'mon, you know my favorite thing to do is listen to what's on your mind. I love hearing what you have to say. Want some chocolate while we talk? 
Wife: Well.....in my dream I came walking down the hallway and saw some spaghetti sauce on the couch. When I went to go look closer, I realized there was spaghetti sauce ALL over the couch....AND the chair.....and ALL over the carpet and walls, and completely covering over half the living room. I was SOOOO mad because I KNEW that you had spilled this everywhere and refused to clean it up just like you ALWAYS do.  And then I REALLY got mad when I called you to say you had messed up the living room, and you told me you forgot to clean it up!! Then I was stuck cleaning it up while I was all pregnant!!!! I woke up right after that and my heart was beating so hard. I felt so much stress like it had actually happened. Ha Ha! Isn't that funny?!


It's sad really. I finally manage to do things right, and her brain still finds something to blame me for! A mythological something of all things! Her subconscious thought it would be hilarious to make something up, and get her physical-self to be stressed because of me. 


I'm not panicking though. If the Kicker is anything at all like me, she's gonna have another one to put the blame on. And I will enjoy using him as a scapegoat. 


I also may have slightly embellished my lines there in the story. But they were close. 
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She's Got Answers


I'll admit. It can't be easy living with me. I spend more time acting 12 than 25. I joke around about her pregnant-ness, but Wife really keeps it together. She's doing a great job. In one of my more recent 12 year old moments, she blasted me with a witty response which I'll always remember. Thoughts in italics.


Me: (I'm looking down at my arms while flexing my muscles) Do you think I look tough?
Wife: What is that supposed to mean?
Me: Well, if you were walking alone in a dark alley with just me, would you feel safe?
Wife: This is a stupid question.
Me: Ha! You can't escape it. You just don't want to hurt my feelings. You can say I'm a wuss, I won't be offended. I would have been seriously offended.
Wife: It's not a fair question. 
Me: Whatever, I got what you're saying.....
Wife: No. This is like the "Do I look fat?" conversation. There is no good way to answer it. Anything I say will be insufficient for you.


See, she's good. I couldn't think of anything to say in rebuttal. I sat and thought for a while. If you were to reverse our roles with the "Do I look Fat?" question at the beginning, this conversation wouldn't change a word - except the walking down the alley part. Crazy. 




I still want to know if she'd feel safe though. Maybe she just found a creative way to dodge a bullet.