How To Wake Up

Here are a variety of things that bother me greatly:

Oreo Packages: The guy who thought it was a great idea to put a resealable opening on the top of the Oreo package must have forgotten about the first and third columns of Oreo's on the side; because they're almost impossible to get to. Oreo's have a strange power over people - me especially. When I get a jonesing for Oreo's, there should be nothing standing in my way. Unfortunately, the stupid opening on top of the package only allows for fast cookie grabbing of the middle column of Oreo's. Once that column is gone, there's no getting the blasted Oreo's from the side. There is virtually no room to grab the Oreo's from. I stand there with the fridge door open (yes, we keep our Oreo's in the fridge) and begin a wrestling match with a pack of cookies. It takes time, the fridge door is letting out all that paid for cold air, and the Oreo's are teasing me!! Should you come over to our place and take a look at our Oreo package, you may find it looking like a raccoon tried tearing into it. Now you know why.


Unnecessary Technology: Not only could this topic take up it's own entry, but I could dedicate a whole other blog to unnecessary technology. I give Wife a lot of credit for putting up with my rants about unnecessary stupid stuff. I almost lost my mind the other day while watching TV. I was minding my own business when Ford decided to pick a fight with me. They wanted to see how I would handle one of the new features on their car. First of all, the woman who was driving the car was way too excited..."Wow! My old car could never do that!" Relax. As she's driving and obsessing about the new car, the voice over man pointed out the new feature: "Select models carry a feature that lights up on the side-view mirror when another car gets too close to you or passes!" A new feature??? I've actually had that feature on all my cars.........I call that feature "my eyeballs." 


Spilling: You would think that spilling a drink is a child's problem. Well then call me a child. The worst part about spilling is that I have no one to blame except myself. Here's how it typically goes down: I sit on ground with large cup of water. My brain is fully conscious that there is a cup in play. After 2 seconds, eyes look at TV to watch show...brain immediately forgets about cup. As commercial time hits, brain tells body to get up fast to retrieve veggie sticks from kitchen. Brain neglects to tell body about full cup to the left. Some flailing body part makes connection with cup, and careens it across room. I think the worst part of spilling is the feeling of absolute helplessness. Gravity works way faster that I do. Once that cup is horizontal, the brain can only send one message to the rest of the body....Noooooooooooo! 

Hours go by after the spill. Just when you think you've dealt with the spill completely and it's out of your mind, you step in the wet spot while wearing socks. "Why does it feel like I'm walking in swamp in my living room?!" All time low. 


Loud Noises: I have an incredible talent; I can relax better than anyone. My heart rate drops to almost 5bpm and my mind goes to worlds far away. But occasionally, I'll be jolted by the most unholy of loud noises. It physically hurts. My heart goes from 5bpm to about 500bmp (I've measured), and my brain doesn't know what to do so it just emits a loud, high pitched screeching noise. My first thoughts are How can this be!? Go crush whatever is alarming you! No lies. These noises can be any one of the following: my cellphone, a slamming door (because all the windows are open), a person yelling my name, The View, a Fred Martin Superstore car commercial, Tyra Banks talking about herself, Tom Hamilton calling a long fly ball out, Grey's Anatomy, my guinea pig squeaking for food, pop music, cups spilling, and my cellphone. 


Uncovered Food In the Microwave: It's not that difficult. Put a napkin over your food while heating it in the microwave. If you don't, the food ends up all over the inside of the microwave. It soon looks like a spaghetti-o grenade went off in there. My mom taught me to cover my food in the microwave before she showed me how to ride a bike. I've been an avid food coverer for years. Wife on the other hand is not a practicing food coverer. I've attempted to convert her many times. But she repeatedly goes behind my back with her big bowls of macaroni and cheese and leaves them uncovered to wreak havoc on our microwave.  


Awaking From My Slumber: I used to be the lightest sleeper in the world. Now that I'm older, sleeping hours are more valuable; and I'm convinced that I slip into a semi-coma when I sleep. When the alarm goes off in the a.m., my first thought is always, "Who super glued my eyes shut??" It's a terrible feeling. It's no fun at all to have to wake up when the body is not ready.

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Whenever I get into baby conversations with someone who has already had a baby, I always get the "Wait 'till you have to wake up every 3 hours to feed! Then you still have to go to work the next day!" Thank you for making this intimidating experience a little easier on me. Your words have brought a sense of calmness to my mind now. Please don't stop with the stories, can I hear more of your awesome advice?


This is scary news. I'm not crazy about being awaken from my slumber. Here's what I've noticed though...I find it far easier to wake up when I'm looking forward to the next day. If we're leaving for a trip, or going away for the day, I get excited in the morning and jump out of bed and start rolling. Even if I can't wait to cook breakfast for me and Wife, I find it easy to get out of bed. 


But what about when the baby cries because it's feeding time? What will happen when Wife nudges me that it's my turn to go feed the hungry newborn. I hear that babies sometimes can cry themselves back to sleep. Maybe we can give that a try or two sometime...........Just playin'. Chill out. 


When I was sitting with Wife the other day, I had one hand on her belly feeling the Kicker go to town. He loves to dance, or roll, or something. He's busy though. While feeling the kicks, Wife showed me a new trick she found out: There are harder spots on her stomach that are areas where Kicker (the baby) is actually pressing up against. I felt this area and she seemed correct. Then I got a surprise:


Wife: Can you feel it?
Me: Yes, it just feels like you have solid abs in this one spot.
Wife: Well press down a little bit.
Me: Will I hurt anything?
Wife: No, just try it.
What happened next is tough to describe. But as I pushed down, the hard spot just disappeared. Within a half second though, the baby punched that spot right back! It was like he was saying, 'Hey, I was comfortable until you started pressing down. Back off please.'


I got the biggest kick out of this (pun intended). The baby was trying to connect with me. I wanted to pick him up and hold him right there. Unfortunately, I kept pressing all over Wife's stomach about a million more times to evoke similar kick. This may have bothered her.


Early morning feedings will be tough. Probably the toughest part about having a newborn. The good part is that I'm looking forward to holding the Kicker. When super glue eye syndrome hits at the wee hours, there is something worth jumping out of bed and opening my eyes for.