The Most Dreaded: Part II

We left off with the pre-registry story last time (http://shockedasyouwere.blogspot.com/2011/09/most-dreaded-part-i.html if you need to catch up). Part II of the Dreaded Series continues the following week. Precisely one week from Saturday is - you bet - another Saturday. Fishing...no. Workouts...later. College Football...Nay. Saturday's are all about the baby, and he's not even here yet. This day is dedicated to the actual baby registry. It's sad when I have to put "the actual" in front so no one is confused. On with the saga.


Deja-Vu. Target, it's like we never left you. Not 60 seconds into the actual day of baby registry and I'm already miffed. There is a kiosk to enter your information into for registry. In my opinion, the questions were a bit too personal. (as always, my thoughts in italics)


Me: "Don't put that."
Wife: "Don't put what?"
Me: "Our apartment number at the end of the address line."
Wife: "Why wouldn't I put that?"
Me: "Because I don't want to give The Man too much information."
Wife: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "We'll still receive any mail, but I want to withhold some info just in case."
Wife: "What is wrong with you?"
You'll thank me later.


I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I watched one to many Bourne Identity movies. Why do "they" need all that info anyway? It's not just about the coups arriving at your door. They track your shopping habits, and tie that to your credit card, and study your spending history, and next thing you know..................I don't know about the next thing, but I bet it's something that could be avoided by not putting our apartment number. Whew, crisis avoided.


Before me and Wife can even begin to register, we see IT. The IT item I never want to speak of again. IT was right there in front of us being used by a mom and her baby. The item from last weeks pre-registry I scoffed at; IT was the shopping cart cover. 


Wife: "See, you put the cover down on the seated part of the cart, and the baby can sit right         there without touching the germy handle bar." 
Me: "And look at how she's carrying a diaper bag, purse, child, and shopping bags as well. Putting that thing in is like an Olympic event."
Wife: "We're getting it."
Me: "And burning it."


I got to carry the scanner gun. There is no way of carrying that piece to make it look manly at all.  I couldn't tell which way to point the stupid thing for the first 5 minutes. When I finally figured it out, I found it amusing to see how far you could point it and still see the red laser line. Midway through, I had it locked on the ceiling to create a beautiful laser show while Wife looked at bibs for about 10 minutes. This is my Saturday. 


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Babies-R-Us is the next stop. They don't provide kiosks for registry, they had a kind lady do all that for us. It was a relief not to have to re-punch all the info in again, until........


Kind Lady: "Name?"
Wife: "Matt and Wife W."
Kind Lady: "Address?"
Wife: "1234 Main Road. Apartment number 124. Oh..." 


What did you do!!!!! Now The Man will be all over us!!! Our cover is blown. We have to move now.


Actually, I wasn't even that mad. What impressed me was how Wife reacted when she disclosed the apartment number. Her eyes got real big and she slowly turned to me. I stared at her with one of those now-look-what-you-did looks and said, "It's no big deal, don't worry about it." The Kind Lady probably thought we stashing large amounts of cocaine at that location and just gave it up to the Baby's-R-Us database. Maybe I should ease up a bit. 


One thing is for sure, baby books have changed since I was a tot. I used to read books that have a cover, various flat and papery pages, and another cover to hold all those pages in. Now books are outrageous. I needed sunglasses to look at a few of 'em due to the boisterous colors. What, are they trying to blind our kids?? And since when do pages jump out at you? I can appreciate a good pop-up as much as the next dad. But these were pop-ups on steroids. The next step were for the actual characters in the book to jump out and chase the reader. And books aren't supposed to make noises either. Since when was the sound of a parent's gentle voice reading the words not enough? Now there's mooing, oinking, laughing, and thunder all coming from a book. What gives?


The best part about Babies-R-Us was the colosseum of rocking chairs and gliders. I was able to chill for a while during the stresses of registry. And I managed to break one of the chairs as well. Who knew? Didn't see that one coming.


What bothered me the most about the baby registry is how darn wimpy all the stuff looked.  There wasn't one item that said, "Hey fathers, be proud to use this item while taking care of your child." No blacks, grays, wood patterns, or metal. I couldn't find one Cleveland sports related item to register for. The tipping point happened during the diaper bag registry:


Wife: "What do you think about diaper bags."
I freaking think a book bag will suffice.
Me: "I freaking think a book bag will suffice." 
Wife: "What about this one?"
It looks like something they carry on the Real Housewives of New York.
Me: "Whatever makes you happy sweets."
Wife: "Oooohhh! I like this bag, it looks just like a purse!"
That's what I want to hear. I can't wait to carry around a bag that resembles a purse.
Me: "Pleeeeease pick something else!"
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The pre-registry is over, the registry is over, and now the Shower is on the way. Will our loving husband make it out alive? Is it possible to be a man and attend a Shower? Found out on Part III of the Most Dreaded Series scheduled to post in late October. 


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